As I was standing in the bathroom, pulling toilet paper off the roll like I was spinning the wheel in the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right, then wiping away the mascara that was running down my face, and wondering when I started wearing enough mascara that a few tears would cause black tracks down my cheeks, I realized it wasn't all about him. I wasn't crying only because he doesn't want me and that he chose someone else over me.
It's about having to face one more rejection. Once more feeling lied to and being used to prop up someone else's tormented ego. Once more regretting that I even put myself out there. Once more mistakenly thinking a guy like him would ever have a true interest in a girl like me.
It's not about being surprised. I'd have been more surprised if it had happened any differently. I went out on my first date when I was 15, so I've had 21 years of rejection and disappointment to prepare me for this one. Really, I've been through much worse. This is nothing. But the weight of those 21 years is wearing on me. I don't think my self-esteem can take much more. In fact, I don't think it can take any more at all.
It's about me. It's about what's wrong with me. I mean beyond my freckles, overbite, and weight problem. It's about what elements of my personality are so repulsive that no one can stand to be with me after they get to know me.
It's about figuring out what it is in me that builds up such high expectations for every man I meet. Once more believing, or make-believing, that it's real. Once more trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.
Happiness seems to come so easily for so many other people that I give myself headaches trying to figure out where I've gone wrong.
And so I give up. I don't have even one more try left in me. You win, boys.
Just another woman sitting here crying her eyes out to the computer, writing the secrets of my soul, but being too afraid to post them publicly, mine are on my friends only list, only i have no friends that i've told my blog about. stupid boys, they're so not worth it. i'm on a voyage of self-discovery, trying to figure out what in my past has made me feel so awful about myself and i've found a lot of answers, but not sure that they make me feel much better, but at least i'm starting to understand why i react the way i do sometimes. try not to be too hard on yourself, don't change for people. i do all the time and i have lots of "friends" but no one who really knows me. if you got a couple of my friends together in a room and asked them to describe me, they'd never think they were talking about the same person. that's no way to live either.
Posted by: Krazy Frip | 04/28/2009 at 11:18 PM
I agree, it's not worth it. I have no idea why I let one person have this much control over my self-worth. I have to tell you that today I felt really good and really liberated because I just don't think I have the tears left for him and it makes me feel more in control to be at that point.
Your advice is good and I'll try harder not to change for people. I do that too often. I'm glad you're finding answers on your voyage of self-discovery. Even if the answers don't make you feel better, like you said, they help you understand and I think eventually that will make you feel better.
Posted by: Plain Jane | 04/29/2009 at 06:41 PM